When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
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Love this guy
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin