Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.