Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
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Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
she has a point
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon