@Browtweaten
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
@portmanteauface
September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn
November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me
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@Browtweaten
@avainwordland
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
@SickChristine
What base is it when your husband accepts your LinkedIn invitation?
@lifecoachfit
I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.
Shhhhh. Stop crying.
@GoldenSpirals
I hate when I buy new shoes,
and I have to learn to drive all over again.
@UltraPunch
It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…
Also you just tried it.
@curlycomedy
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
@CulturedRuffian
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
@JillianKarger
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
@PJTLynch
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago