September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

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Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food


I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.


Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.


If I yell, “Heads up!” I’m clear of all liability at children’s parties.


People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.


You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.


Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.


You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.