Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Zombieionism

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

@Rainbowbunee

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

@TheBoydP

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@Lisabug74

If I yell, “Heads up!” I’m clear of all liability at children’s parties.

@tastefactory

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

@GreenishDuck

You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.

@13spencer

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

@sbellelauren

how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on

@Underchilde

You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.