@portmanteauface

September in New England: what a beautiful season, it’s amazing to see how vibrant nature can be as the warm respite of summer gives way to the elegant cool of autumn

November in New England: maybe if I get lucky that old dead maple will fall on me and kill me

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@Browtweaten

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

@lifecoachfit

I’m not gonna let something like a restraining order get in the way of a love as special and unique as ours.

Shhhhh. Stop crying.

@GoldenSpirals

I hate when I buy new shoes,

and I have to learn to drive all over again.

@UltraPunch

It’s impossible to say “mesh” without sounding like Sean Connery…

Also you just tried it.

@curlycomedy

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

@CulturedRuffian

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago