[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]

ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor

CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this

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[Founding Fathers]
-But how do we get court witnesses 2 tell the truth?
-They swear on a bible?
-Thats stupid
-Hey lunch’s here


Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation


The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.


ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!



priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U


I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.


Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.


What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.


If Obama wins I’m leaving the country. If Romney wins I’m leaving the country.

This is not a political Tweet I just want to travel.