[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
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Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon