SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
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It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.