sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
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*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Not helping
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
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me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.