SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

You Might Also Like


ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]


If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?


I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.


Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours


Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.


Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.


ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others


My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol