@Cpin42

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

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@randypaint

Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha

Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup

@Book_Krazy

Me: Im still mad at you for last night

Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous

@ohthatbadger

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@FattMernandez

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

@beefman138

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

@Robert_Beau

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

@KevinFarzad

It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”

@KWalps

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick