Me: can I have that with no ice? [raises menu to hide mouth & whispers to date] people don’t realize u get more that way haha
Waiter: sir we dont put ice in soup
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
my dog got a haircut and now it looks like he gave up drinking.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
At Toys R Us:
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
It’s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, “I love you” and they’re like, “thank you for choosing Domino’s.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass
things i’ve never picked my teeth with: