@Cpin42

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

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@jonnysun

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

@roxiqt

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

@UnIxphysco

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

@LauraBowes

Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won’t ever ask about babies.

@SirEviscerate

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

@ItsSamG

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol