SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
get you a girl who
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The little toadstool has spoken.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.