serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
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Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
cyclists
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Based Erika
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.