SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this