SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no