SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
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bugs when you lift up a rock
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
i’m sure it’s fine
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
I think they could have phrased this better
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.