serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
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How high do the levels go?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
My dad is at it again
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My Sentiments Exactly
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.