Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
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Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse