@DrakeGatsby

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

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@jergarl

[on phone with debit fraud]

Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all

Me: DUDE IT’S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE

BG:

M: Sometimes. Yes

@ShellHasDragons

I have a high forehead, which is pretty crap when you realise it had no grass

@Sickayduh

Joey: WHOA
Blossom: So you like that?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: Are you saying stop?
Joey: WHOA
Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever

@UnFitz

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

@Brianhopecomedy

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

@flashember

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

@jferg1616

Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.

@SladeWentworth

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

@traciebreaux

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid