Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.