Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Yup
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”