[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Called it
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.