Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Most fashion shows these days…
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one