Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
This is my cat’s medicine.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more