Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast