serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Oh my god
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
LA today:
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*