The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
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I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.