the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
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Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*serious situation*
My brain:
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along