Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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put ‘er there pardner!
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
umm…
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.