@CantWaitToNap

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

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@Steph_A_Nanny

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

@TechnicallyRon

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

@gentilecoont

“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans

@mela_shea

*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days

@JulieSnark

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

@lisaxy424

Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill

@AechErvin

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

@AnkCoupleTO

Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*