Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

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My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active


Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.


“Haha, Imagine Dragons. What a dumb band name.”

-Neutral Milk Hotel fans


*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days


Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.


Me: I’d kill for a body like that
Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c-
Me: yeah I’d rather kill


Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*


Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good


Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.


Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*