Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
What flavor cupcake are these
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions