Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
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Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Good morning
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
@funTweeters
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
saw this in a dream
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)