Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
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him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
You learn something every day
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”