Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
You Might Also Like
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this
NBA JAM ANNOUNCER: HES HEATING UP
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?