Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
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The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I don’t date married men.
I mean I wouldn’t call it dating…
Not all heroes wear capes
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.