@shariv67

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

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@Spotzwoj

The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

@HomeWithPeanut

Her: I’m pregnant!

Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.

Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-

Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!

@KateWhineHall

Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!

7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.

@TomSchally

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

@mkpaulsen

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.