Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

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My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???


Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.


[in bed]
WIFE: *pulls away from kissing* does he really have to be here
ME: yes i paid good money for this


My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.


I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.


“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”


Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?

Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?


Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?