Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
julius: hey brutus, lookin’ sharp
brutus: what knife
If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
We grew up in the golden age of cartoons.
She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.
She’s such a kidder..