Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

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Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!


The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.


julius: hey brutus, lookin’ sharp

brutus: what knife

julius: what

brutus: what


If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.


My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice


The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.


You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.


ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.


She yelled another guy’s name in bed then we looked at each other. Then she finally yelled April Fool’s! Then we laughed & laughed.

She’s such a kidder..