Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff