Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
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[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.