[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.