You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
You Might Also Like
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but