Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
You Might Also Like
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.