@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

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@HTownHarold

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

@SveldtSmelt

I found where my mom hid the scissors, so everyone in my house woke up with a new haircut this morning.

@BitchyJasmine

My neighbors loved the music so much when I turned it up, that they invited the police to listen. 🙂

@yassinovic89

Women’s logic:
I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.

@Dear_Booze

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

@heatherlou_

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

@notalogin

[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..

@taddmike

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

@Marlebean

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”