@goldengateblond

Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

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@UncleDuke1969

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

@goldengateblond

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

@dril

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

@DrakeGatsby

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

@Bob_Janke

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

@Bahstonlady

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

@wolfpupy

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

@fubwat

“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”

@scorpicpanda

When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.