Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.

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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.


Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.


i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes


Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.


If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.


Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.


ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land


life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school


“Can I have a pound of onions please.”

“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”

“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”


When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it’s time to lay off the hard stuff.