Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
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FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.