@VictorscarletJ

Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home

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@ilovepie84

“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.

@samalmightysam

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

@B_Schmidt

I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.

@anerdonfire2

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

@sarawrencomedy

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@Kyle_Lippert

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

@markleggett

My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.

@JohnLyonTweets

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A