“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
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I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
My cat’s staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she’s mulling over past social situations she wishes she’d handled better.
My Google search in case someone ever steals my phone
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A