I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
My blood type is coffee.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Welcome
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok