Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.