Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday