Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
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Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Blew out my flip flop…
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.