Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughterās fiancĆ© is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, letās say 5ā by 4ā. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Natty or not?
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a signāI love ceilingsā
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you canāt find and set them loose in your home.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
when someone tells me love is in the air š·
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I’ll stick with papa johns š¤£š¤£š¤£
Me: [cleaning the house for hoursā¦finds the beloved toy my son ālostā and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Itās all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, itās me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know Iām going to use Google Maps regardless
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”