Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.
– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
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BE TRUE TO YOURSELF LITTLE PUPPER
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*
Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.
The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
[training to be a crime investigator]
investigator: he was eaten by a cannibal
me: *writing* eaten by cannon ball
investigator: no, cannon balls shoot, cannibals eat people
me: *writing* cannon balls shoot and eat people
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…