Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
You Might Also Like
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
How all things should be taught/explained.
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
The days of good grammer has went
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”