Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
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The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?