me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
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freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles