Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
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@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Not today
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
wtf is a larm clock?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing