Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
You Might Also Like
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Hey I worked for it too!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.