@desi_princess

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

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@Vodkantots

Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.

@NotJPo

Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.

@ClichedOut

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

@iinkedZombie

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

@Coastiefish

You think God hates crosses?

If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.

@Alvildalikely

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.