Shrink: How would you rate your depression right now?
Me: 0 out of 5 stars. Would not recommend.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
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Your wife will always agree to let you go out and get drunk with your friends and as long as you’re smart and don’t go.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
ME: yeah right
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
You think God hates crosses?
If my kid died on a roller coaster, then everyone started wearing roller coaster necklaces, I’d be pissed.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.