[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
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Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
He’s dead
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
Yes
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses