Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
2008: listen high school sucks for a lot of people but in a decade you’ll be making good money, probably have a wife
2018: you’re in an online feud with DaCumGuzzler69
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon