Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”