Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

money maker

Me: *gets up to go pee*

My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!

[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.

*watching husband sleep*

Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”

*husband snores*

Me: “I can’t live like this.”

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.