Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
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When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT