My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
You Might Also Like
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*