@skickwriter

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

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@Jam453Lane

My FitBit app says I sleep walked 20 steps last night, glad I was asleep during all that damn exercise.

@Cherry_Row

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@Storminika

It’s not cool to skip on dating someone who talks funny — just because your english is gooder than theirs be.

@bourgeoisalien

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

@VodkaAndCheeze

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit

@VanVeenB

Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.