[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
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If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
incredible
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things